The Bannister of Life

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life in 2010- Remember 

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written  An impressive new book.  It's called .......'Ministers Do More Than Lay People' .

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.. 

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. 

4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant  flash and it is gone. 

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the toilet. 

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.  The seat folded up, the drink spilled and  that ice, well, it really chilled the mood. 

7. It used to be only death and taxes now, of course, there's  postage and packing, too. 

8. A husband is someone who, after taking  the rubbish out, gives the impression that  he just cleaned the whole house. 

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just  vending machines and a large rubbish bin. 
 
11. Definition of a teenager?  God's punishment...for enjoying sex. 

12. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way... 

 
Be who you are and say what you feel... because those that matter... don't mind...and those that mind...don't matter! 

The Dam - A good read !!

This  is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his  property.   It was sent by the  Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State  of  Pennsylvania .   This guy's  response is hilarious, but read The State's letter before you get to the  response letter. 



State  of  Pennsylvania 's letter to Mr. DeVries:  


 SUBJECT:  DEQ
 File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec 20; Lycoming County     

 Dear Mr. DeVries:

 It has come to the attention of the Department of  Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the  above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal  landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:      

 Construction and maintenance  of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.    

 A permit must be issued prior to the  start of this type of activity.. A review of the Department's files shows that  no permits have been issued  Therefore, the Department has determined  that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of  the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public  Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania  Compiled Laws, annotated.  

 The Department has  been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent  rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations..  We  find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be  permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all  activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow  condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream  channel.  All restoration work shall be completed no later than January  31, 2010.

 Please notify this office when the restoration  has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our  staff.  Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized  activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated  enforcement action..

 We anticipate and would appreciate  your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this  office if you have any questions.    

 Sincerely,
 David L. Price
 District Representative and Water Management  Division.

 
Here is the actual response sent back by Mr.  DeVries: 

 Re: DEQ File
 No..  97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County    

 Dear Mr..Price,

 Your  certified letter dated 11/17/09 has been  handed to me.  I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at   2088 Dagget  Lane , Trout Run,  Pennsylvania .     

 A couple of beavers are in the  (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris'  dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.  While I did not pay  for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly  offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials  'debris.'    

 I would like to  challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time  and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you  could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam  ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam  work ethic.


        

 These are the beavers/contractors you are  seeking.   As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware  that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of  dam activity.

 My first dam question to you is:
 (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers,  or
 (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform  to said dam request?    

 If you are  not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of  Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable  beaver dam permits that have been issued.  (Perhaps we will see if there  really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the  Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts  of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled  Laws, annotated.)

 I have several dam concerns.  My  first dam concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation?   The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay  for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam  lawyer.

 The Department's dam concern that either one or  both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof  that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to  protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather  than harassing them and calling them dam names.     

 If you want the damed stream  'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if  you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your  dam letter, they being unable to read English.     

 In my humble opinion, the Spring  Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky  is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream.  They have more  dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.  If the Department of  Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should  protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).     

 So, as far as the beavers and I  are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement  action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2010? The Spring Pond Beavers may be  under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff  to contact/harass them

 In conclusion, I would like to  bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in  the area  It is the bears!  Bears are actually defecating in our  woods.  I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating  bears and leave the beavers alone.  If you are going to investigate the  beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump!     

 Being unable to comply with your  dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I  am sending this response to your dam office.

 THANK YOU,


 RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

New German Motorcycle Safety Invention!

Wow this is amazing  The Germans are certainly well known for their 
cutting edge engineering....
click on the link....Below  

German speaking but translation at the bottom. 

MAKE SURE TO WATCH ALL THE WAY TO THE END !!!!!

http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=21816

Alaska Whale

The photo was taken at the entrance to Katlian Bay at the end of the road in Sitka . 
The whale is coming up to scoop up a mouthful of herring (the small fish seen at the surface around the kayak). 
The kayaker is a local Dentist. 

============================================================

Yep, that is me in the picture. 
Yep that is a whale that was just around the corner from the ferry terminal.
"Paddle really fast" is the only thing I could think of at the time..
Also thinking that I don't look like a herring, don't smell like a herring but with the same herring instinct 
of "get the hell out of the way of that big mouth!!"
Still living to tell yet another story.. 

This is an actual picture from Alaska !!!

He is in the whales MOUTH!!

Keep this going please!

   

I  NEED YOUR HELP!  
I'm  trying to find out who sells this  mirror!
  






Mail  this to all the women in your address book. Now, don't break the chain!    OK gals, now that you have had your laugh, remember.... Breast Cancer Awareness... Go have those boobs  checked out and stay healthy!   Pass the message on to your  mothers, sisters, daughters, aunts, cousins, friends, and  even your enemies.   Because the WORST enemy is Breast  Cancer.

Just A weeeeeeeeee bit

'An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
 
So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, 'They're lookin' to get married,so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want.'

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

'Well,' said the man, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.'

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

'Well,'the man replied, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed.'

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,'She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry'

So they were wed right away.Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

'Well,' explained the farmer, 'She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
Pregnant when you met her.'



If this brightened your day Don't let it stop here Pass it on to your friends.

Stressed?

STRESS 


I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read the full description before looking at the picture.


The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital.

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that , in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical; a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins.. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.
Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you need to go on holiday. 





















 

No Need to Reply, I'll be on holiday 

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway