A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.' 'What do they say?' the priest inquired. They say? 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . .that phrase . . in no time.' Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.' The next day,she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in,she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed,she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes,the female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!' |
Sunday, 3 October 2010
The Catholic Parrots
Mick
Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the
door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old
red Massey Ferguson.
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off
first the right welly, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move
lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over
his corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his
tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat
cap on to a pile of hay.
"What are you doing Mick" says Paddy.
"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an
obviously embarrassed Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some
trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I should
do something sexy to a tractor".
door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old
red Massey Ferguson.
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off
first the right welly, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move
lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over
his corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his
tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat
cap on to a pile of hay.
"What are you doing Mick" says Paddy.
"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an
obviously embarrassed Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some
trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I should
do something sexy to a tractor".
The Why's of Men
Girls - its pay-back time for all the blonde jokes, etc.... Enjoy.
Boys - hehe
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HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
______________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
______________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes," she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And that's when the fight started...
______________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
______________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That's proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
______________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
______________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
______________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes," she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And that's when the fight started...
______________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
______________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That's proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
______________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
BEST AUSSIE PICK UP LINE EVER
An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman..
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch? 'What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's an hour fast!'
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch? 'What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's an hour fast!'
Aircraft Quiz
Please deliberate your answer very carefully, even the technical buffs can get this wrong!
This should be an easy quiz to answer for those of you who have an interest and knowledge of aircraft.
You may enjoy this quiz, even if you don’t know a lot about aircraft. The answer may surprise you.
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Irish Vasectomy
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