Engineers

Understanding Engineers One
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding
my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to
the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers Two

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those
guys?  We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're
rather slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They
lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always
let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea.  I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have
designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who
else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features
yet.


Understanding Engineers Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a
beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it
to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into
his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter?  I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything
you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

I CAN SOOOOO RELATE...

 













 

How true!

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 yearold next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to
come over.
 
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? 

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID
ten T error? What's that?  In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned.  'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it
out.'  

So I wrote down:       I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little shit....

CURTAIN RODS - PRICELESS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, 
crates and suitcases.


 
     



On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her
things.



       


On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their
beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on
some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of
shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water .




          
 


When she had finished, she went into each and every room and
deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in
caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.





  
   



She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband
returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the
first few days.



Then slowly, the house began to smell.



        



They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place
out.


             
  


Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam
cleaned .


             


Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were
brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they
had to move out for a few days and in the end they even
paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing
worked!!!


   



People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.




             



Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to
move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in
half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky
house.



 

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused
to return their calls.



           

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase a new place ...


               



The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going
.


        




He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened
politely and said that she missed her old home
terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce
settlement in exchange for getting the house back
.



      


Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed
on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had
been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that
very day .



         




She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the
paperwork.


           



A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as
they watched the moving company pack everything to take
to their new home.........


  


And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain
rods!!!!!!





           



I
LOVE A
HAPPY
ENDING, DON'T YOU? 

one word or two?

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.   
  
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.   
  
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a conversation regarding how their marriage might work. 
  
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. 
  
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively. 

'I would like it infrequently' she replied. 

  
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -

'Is that one word or two?'.

The Knob..........

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a
small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned
to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the
effects were wonderful - the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two
problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine.

I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the
results.

But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these
terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those
are your breasts."

She said, "No point asking about the beard then ..."

"Morning Sex"

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said Softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming Or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then

Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,

Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,

"What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

The "offside rule" explained for women:

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.
 
The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses.
 
It would be rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.
 
The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.
 
Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.  She prepares to throw her purse to you.
 
If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes!
 
At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and "whilst it is in flight" you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes!
 
BUT, you must always remember that until the purse has "actually been thrown", it would be plain wrong for you to be in front of the other shopper and you would be OFFSIDE.