"The Best Pubs Are Irish"

As guid as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called Archie McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." 

 

"Well now, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you've bought the first two." 

 

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, the barman'll buy you a drink, then another, in fact he'll buy ya all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, the landlord'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, and it's all on the house!" 

 

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. But the Irishman swore every word was true.  
"Did this actually happen to you?" they asked him.

 

"Well not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

An ear infection - an old one but made me chuckle!!

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to
answer in front of others what's wrong  and sometimes it is embarrassing.

 There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her
what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

 I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy
handled it.

John a 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'


'There's something wrong with my knob', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room
full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear
or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited
several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...


Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose!!

Unbelievable!

THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE AGILITY!!

For those who aren't familiar with the view - it's the downstream face of the dam and those dots are bighorns WALKING ACROSS IT.  They're licking the surface - salt, maybe?  I'm just sitting here with my mouth hanging open.... The Buffalo Bill Dam on the Shoshoni River at Cody, Wyoming....

How To Get Out Of Debt - Yorkshire Style

It's a slow day in a little North Yorkshire town. The sun is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich tourist from down south is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a £100 in cash on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the cash and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the £100 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the £100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the £100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the £100 back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the £100, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

Extract from Tony Blair's new book

'I had regularly started jogging out of Downing Street. On each run I happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.

With some apprehension I would brace myself as I approached her for what was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty quid!" she would shout from the kerb.

"No way, 50p!" I fired back.

This ritual between myself and the hooker continued for days.

I'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty quid!"

And I'd yell back "50p!"

One day however Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany me on my jog.

As we jogged nearer the problematic street corner, I realised the "pro" would bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what I'd really been doing on all my past outings.

I realised I'd need to have a damn good explanation for my illustrious lawyer wife.

As we jogged into the turn that would take us past the corner, I became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker.

I tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair of us jog past.

Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled,

"See what you get for 50p?" 

C-NILE VIRUS

Obviously this was sent in error to me, but I thought it may be of interest to you!!...( Ha Ha)

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.    It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.  Symptoms: 1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that! 2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail !that too! 3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. Yep! 4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it  to you.  Aha!  5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. Well  darn!  6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh,  no - not again!  7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate that!  8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."  Oh No! IT IS CALLED THE             "C-NILE VIRUS."     Hmmm..... Have I sent this to you already ?

Written By A 90 Year old

The following was written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio.

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1.            Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2.            When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3.            Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4.            Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5.            Pay off your credit cards every month.

6.            You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7.            Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8.            It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9.            Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10.          When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11.          Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12.          It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13.          Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14.          If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15.          Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16.          Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17.          Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18.          Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19.          It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20.          When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21.          Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22.          Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23.          Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24.          The most important sex organ is the brain.

25.          No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26.          Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27.          Always choose life.

28.          Forgive everyone everything.

29.          What other people think of you is none of your business.

30.          Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31.          However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32.          Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33.          Believe in miracles.

34.          God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35.          Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36.          Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37.          Your children get only one childhood

38.          All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39.          Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40.          If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41.          Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42.          The best is yet to come...

43.          No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44.          Yield.

45.          Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Man of the house

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'. 

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

'Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe...Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and do my hair?

Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied, 'The bloody funeral director would be my first guess.'

Radio Host Prank Calls Scottish Pizza Takeaway