This is a selection of jokes or funny emails that I've been sent, feel free to use and abuse them to your hearts content. Sorry for some of the formatting, they're from forwarded emails.
Friday, 27 August 2010
So.... here's the story
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound note that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...
You're going to hate me for this...
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO'
Oh, quit groaning!
I don't write this stuff,
I receive it from my warped friends and then
Send it on to my other warped friends.
Wednesday, 25 August 2010
A Special Airline
Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously.
Check out their new livery!
WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN.
Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
---o0o---
On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
----o0o---
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
----o0o---
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
---o0o---
"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
---o0o---
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
---o0o---
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
---o0o---
From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
---o0o---
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."
---o0o---
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."
----o0o---
"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
---o0o---
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."
---o0o---
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
---o0o---
Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
---o0o---
Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
---o0o---
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
---o0o---
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or were we shot down?"
---o0o---
After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."
---o0o---
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."
---o0o---
Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
---o0o---
A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
---o0o---
From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
---o0o---
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."
---o0o---
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."
----o0o---
"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
---o0o---
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."
---o0o---
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
---o0o---
Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
---o0o---
Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
---o0o---
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
---o0o---
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or were we shot down?"
---o0o---
After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."
---o0o---
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."
---o0o---
Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
---o0o---
A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
Tuesday, 24 August 2010
Monday, 23 August 2010
SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE, YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
The room erupted in applause!
DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.
ONE WISH
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said,
'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish..'
The biker pulled over and said,
'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said,
'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women.
We want to know how they feel inside?
What they are thinking when they give us the silent
treatment?
Why they cry?
What they mean when they say 'nothing's wrong'?
Why they snap and complain when we try to help? and how we can make a woman truly happy?'
The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'
'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish..'
The biker pulled over and said,
'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said,
'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women.
We want to know how they feel inside?
What they are thinking when they give us the silent
treatment?
Why they cry?
What they mean when they say 'nothing's wrong'?
Why they snap and complain when we try to help? and how we can make a woman truly happy?'
The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED
Men Are Just Happier People
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is £9.50 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 24 relatives on 24th December in 24 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is £9.50 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 24 relatives on 24th December in 24 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it
Stick to the plan no matter what!!
A 7 year old boy and his 4 year old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?', says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, OK?'
'OK, OK' the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. 'I'll have some of that Weetbix sh*t !'
*SMACK*!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man????'
'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f*cking Weetbix!'
'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, OK?'
'OK, OK' the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. 'I'll have some of that Weetbix sh*t !'
*SMACK*!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man????'
'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f*cking Weetbix!'
A LIVERPOOL LOVE STORY
A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end
her life by throwing herself into the Mersey.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing
water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the
pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm
off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my
ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll
keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a
fresh start in America would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece
of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by
the captain... "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get
food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Birkenhead Ferry.
her life by throwing herself into the Mersey.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing
water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the
pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm
off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my
ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll
keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a
fresh start in America would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece
of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by
the captain... "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get
food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Birkenhead Ferry.
2009 Woman Driver Awards
I just know this will brighten up your day....enjoy the moment !!!
2009 Woman Driver Awards:
10th Place
Goes to:

9th Place Goes
To:

8th Place Goes
To:

7th Place Goes
To:

6th Place Goes
To:

5th Place Goes
To:

4th Place Goes
To:

The Bronze
Medal Winner:

The Silver
Medal Winner:

Her helmet is
being worn backwards
. and
finally, here is our 2009 Women Drivers Awards
*** Gold
Medal Winner ***


How the...?!?
Oh never mind... CONGRATULATIONS ! !
This concludes the 2009 Women Drivers Awards Ceremony
Thanks to all our contestants for giving us all a reason to laugh & smile.
2009 Woman Driver Awards:
10th Place
Goes to:
9th Place Goes
To:
8th Place Goes
To:
7th Place Goes
To:
6th Place Goes
To:
5th Place Goes
To:
4th Place Goes
To:
The Bronze
Medal Winner:
The Silver
Medal Winner:
Her helmet is
being worn backwards
. and
finally, here is our 2009 Women Drivers Awards
*** Gold
Medal Winner ***
How the...?!?
Oh never mind... CONGRATULATIONS ! !
This concludes the 2009 Women Drivers Awards Ceremony
Thanks to all our contestants for giving us all a reason to laugh & smile.
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